To Buy or not To Buy? – that is the question

Ask anyone in a committed relationship what they fight about most and 9 /10 would probably mention money in the top 3. It is a legendary source of problems in many relationships and still a subject that is taboo in polite conversation!

So why does it cause so many problems? In part the challenges arise due to the fact that we are not formally taught how to manage money effectively particularly in a partnership or relationship. Instead many of our behaviours and attitudes are handed down either consciously or more likely unconsciously from our parents, teachers and the media. But there is also another factor – Instinctive Drives™. The way each of us views and manages money, what we spend it on, how we perceive and handle risk and how we make buying decisions is often greatly influenced by our Instinctive Drives. I.D.™ is first and foremost a tool for helping you to understand yourself and others better. The insights that it offers are as applicable to someone’s personal life as they are to their business life. The common denominator after all remains the same, people. When fighting about money or whether to buy something or not the differences are not always simply differences of opinion they are differences of Instinctive Drives being expressed within a relationship. What one person needs in order to feel confident and happy with a choice can be the opposite of their partner and this will naturally lead to conflict. Yet if both parties know and understand their I.D.™ they can find ways to navigate those differences, honour both operating styles and reach amicable and rewarding consensus.

This article explores those differences so that next time your partner announces he’s just bought another toolbox that could sink a battle ship or another pair of shoes that look indistinguishable from the last pair you can work it out without bloodshed.

Let’s meet Nigel and Joanna…

Nigel and Joanna have been married for 2 years and like any couple they have their ups and downs but they are happy together and usually find a middle ground. One of the hotspots for them is money. Joanna is expecting their first child and so they are eagerly searching for a new family home. Nigel’s I.D. is 4337 and Joanna’s 7663 which is quite different. The respect they have for one another and the strategies they have learnt mean that most of the time their differences compensate for one and other most of the time however occasionally the differences can cause strain in the relationship. As soon as they decide to buy a new home Joanna is scouring the papers and the real estate Internet Sites and short lists a dozen properties. They decide that 4 properties a day is enough and set up the first viewing day for the following Saturday. For Nigel the minute he walks into the second house he knows it‘s the right one. The real estate agent gives them both the polished spiel but Nigel isn’t really listening, he’s already made up his mind. In his mind he’s already know that this will get him to work quickly and it’s a great route without tolls. He’s also thought about babysitting options, which are also a tick in the box because this house is close enough to both sets of parents to be helpful but far enough away not to be intrusive. If Joanna goes back to work there are a number of local centres that would have call for her teaching skills and the local schools and amenities are well known. He was also very excited about the roof space – there was heaps of potential. He could put a floor in with his friend John and have a large play room for the kids and still have space to sound proof a little music room for his massive library of CDs and vinyl. These thoughts cascade quickly through his mind almost “on automatic” so when Joanna asks him why he’s so sure he can’t remember them all and although he’s animated and excited he can’t really give her a definitive answer so she just dismisses him. To Joanna, Nigel is always “jumping the gun” – she assumes that he just gets bored quickly and is so busy wanting to get to the next new thing that he doesn’t properly engage with the decision. This frustrates her enormously because she feels he’s not considering things properly or seriously and as a result she is always left to make the serious decisions.

This causes Nigel to withdraw even further as he feels as though his wife is just dismissing his input. A frosty silence results as they move to the third house. The rest of the day is a waste of time.

What happened?

For Nigel his 4 in Verify means that he has a very strong sense of “knowing”. For him this means that he receives a gut instinct about decisions that is rarely wrong and rarely changes with the accumulation of more information. But he will lose his composure when asked to justify his position so when his wife asked him to explain why he was so sure, he can’t. Plus he naturally shies away from confrontation so simply withdraws. His 3 in Authenticate means that leverage is very important to him. His initial gut response to the house was therefore further validated with each additional benefit he could see with the house such as the proximity of grand parents. This element of I.D.™ values above all else the way in which people interact and the feelings that brings so when Joanna dismissed his gut reaction so bluntly he is hurt. His 3 in Complete is expressed through his desire to innovate and he can already see ways to change the roof space making his own little haven for his passion – music. His 7 comes through in his excitement and enthusiasm for the house, which is quickly extinguished by Joanna who just thinks he’s being frivolous and hasn’t thought it through. For Joanna her 7 in Verify means that she needs to compare and does not understand Nigel’s “knowingness” or intuitive gut reaction based on only seeing two houses. To her it’s just hocus-pocus or worse – laziness. She needs to know that her choice is the right choice and the only way to do that is to gather all the information possible i.e. See all the houses, and THEN make a calculated choice. She needs evidence therefore and for her that means seeing more than 2 houses! It’s not that she’s against this house or doesn’t like this house but she needs to see the alternatives before she can feel reassured that it’s the right one for them. Her 6 in Authenticate means that when Nigel agreed to look at 12 houses he meant that he would look at 12 houses. She is very loyal to the spoken word and things must be tangible and relevant. “I just think this is the house for us” – is neither tangible nor relevant unless he can explain why. This drive can appear quite blunt and rarely lets emotion or sentiment influence decisions, which can be hard for the more sensitive person driven to avoid the Instinct to Authenticate™. Her 6 in Complete means that she is driven to find harmony and buying a home is a BIG deal for this drive as the home should be a harmonious place. So her need to get it right is amplified by that - besides they agreed on a viewing schedule and they should keep it. Joanna’s 3 in Improvise means that she is taking this very seriously! Not that Nigel isn’t but for Nigel life is not broken down into serious time and play time, for him all of life is one entity and he likes to have fun as much as possible regardless of how “serious” the situation is. For Joanna she separates things into compartments and does that seriously. That means that when she’s having fun – she’s seriously having fun and will probably be the last one standing BUT when she’s buying a house she’s seriously buying a house. She also needs to be certain before committing and the process will be logical. She certainly doesn’t like to be rushed and deciding on house 2 at the viewing of house 2 equated to being rushed. It’s just not going to happen for her…

For Nigel his 4 in Verify means that he has a very strong sense of “knowing”. For him this means that he receives a gut instinct about decisions that is rarely wrong and rarely changes with the accumulation of more information. But he will lose his composure when asked to justify his position so when his wife asked him to explain why he was so sure, he can’t. Plus he naturally shies away from confrontation so simply withdraws. His 3 in Authenticate means that leverage is very important to him. His initial gut response to the house was therefore further validated with each additional benefit he could see with the house such as the proximity of grand parents. This element of I.D. values above all else the way in which people interact and the feelings that brings so when Joanna dismissed his gut reaction so bluntly he is hurt. His 3 in Complete is expressed through his desire to innovate and he can already see ways to change the roof space making his own little haven for his passion – music. His 7 comes through in his excitement and enthusiasm for the house, which is quickly extinguished by Joanna who just thinks he’s being frivolous and hasn’t thought it through. For Joanna her 7 in Verify means that she needs to compare and does not understand Nigel’s “knowingness” or intuitive gut reaction based on only seeing two houses. To her it’s just hocus-pocus or worse – laziness. She needs to know that her choice is the right choice and the only way to do that is to gather all the information possible i.e. See all the houses, and THEN make a calculated choice. She needs evidence therefore and for her that means seeing more than 2 houses! It’s not that she’s against this house or doesn’t like this house but she needs to see the alternatives before she can feel reassured that it’s the right one for them. Her 6 in Authenticate means that when Nigel agreed to look at 12 houses he meant that he would look at 12 houses. She is very loyal to the spoken word and things must be tangible and relevant. “I just think this is the house for us” – is neither tangible nor relevant unless he can explain why. This drive can appear quite blunt and rarely lets emotion or sentiment influence decisions, which can be hard for the more sensitive person driven to avoid the Instinct to Authenticate. Her 6 in Complete means that she is driven to find harmony and buying a home is a BIG deal for this drive as the home should be a harmonious place. So her need to get it right is amplified by that - besides they agreed on a viewing schedule and they should keep it. Joanna’s 3 in Improvise means that she is taking this very seriously! Not that Nigel isn’t but for Nigel life is not broken down into serious time and play time, for him all of life is one entity and he likes to have fun as much as possible regardless of how “serious” the situation is. For Joanna she separates things into compartments and does that seriously. That means that when she’s having fun – she’s seriously having fun and will probably be the last one standing BUT when she’s buying a house she’s seriously buying a house. She also needs to be certain before committing and the process will be logical. She certainly doesn’t like to be rushed and deciding on house 2 at the viewing of house 2 equated to being rushed. It’s just not going to happen for her…

Likely outcome without I.D.™ strategies…

The likely outcome of this situation is that they will stick to the schedule and see all 12 houses. Nigel quietly sulks his way around the other 10 houses. He’ll look at them and it’s not him being stubborn or difficult it’s just he somehow “knows” that house 2 is the right one. After weeks of viewing and mild bickering they will decide to put an offer in for house 2. Nigel of course thinks this is hilarious and can’t help but say, “I told you so!” which further infuriates Joanna. The process was needlessly painful for both parties. Nigel felt dismissed and isolated because his contribution was ignored and Joanna didn’t enjoy it either because she could see he wasn’t happy schlepping around the houses. She felt isolated from him and unsupported as a result.

What could have happened if they understood I.D.™ and how to work with it?

If they understood their I.D. they could have found an easier way to reach consensus. Perhaps if Joanna really understood the value of Nigel’s intuition she could have agreed after the first Saturday that he didn’t need to come to the following viewings and that instead she would go with her sister who loves property anyway on the proviso that if she really likes something else he would come and view it too. Better still, with the right questioning technique (one which shows genuine concern rather than interigation) she could discover his true feelings and use that information to narrow down the search – for example to those property’s a similar distance from his work. Nigel then gets to play an active part and feels his contribution is being heard and valued but his wife also gets to satisfy her need for certainly, following the schedule, making a logical choice so she can be assured it’s the right decision. Nigel can then get on with the list of “to-dos” before the baby arrives. So he and his best friend John, who’s a carpenter go to work on the following Saturday making a beautiful cot for the new arrival (breaking every now and then for a beer and to brainstorm ideas for his beloved music room of course!) Everyone’s happy. John feels his talents are honoured and accepted, he has more variety and flexibility in how he contributes, has fun with his friend while making something lovely for their child that he knows Joanna will adore. He also gets to make a wonderful dinner for Joanna when she gets home and hear all about the other properties. For Joanna the day has been much more productive and enjoyable because her sister is similar to her and is interested in property. She feels that with each house she sees the more certainty she feels about what she wants and where she wants to live. She gets to stick to her process and make a logical choice together with Nigel, who has been very thoughtful and cooked a lovely meal. It’s win/win. So to recap, these are what you need to be aware about yourself and others when it comes to making decisions…

Those driven by the Instinctive Drive to Verify™:

They need to know “why” so they will need to gather evidence which enables comparison to ensure they make the right decision. As a result they rarely make snap decisions.
They are influenced by the “best” and therefore their buying decisions are likely to reflect that.
They will assess options based on what’s fair and also what is the priority although this can be overridden by their desire to buy the best.

Those driven to Avoid the Instinctive Drive to Verify™:

They need to trust their innate sense of knowing and perhaps as importantly others do too. If they do then they will not go far wrong.
Need to accept that sometimes they have to be able to justify their position for others to buy in. Making a list of “for” and “against” will often help you remember the salient points in a discussion.
Learn to temper you initial response. Although you may know it’s right, wait a little longer before “making your decision” it will make others not driven the same way, feel more comfortable in your choice!

Those driven by the Instinctive Drive to Authenticate™:

They are able to see the pertinent issues in any situation very quickly and can cut through much of the “smoke and mirrors”. As a result they can make decisions quickly but only if they can see the relevance or feel they have the permission to do so..
They need to see the usefulness, practicality and durability of their decision in order to feel comfortable with the buying decision.
They rarely let emotion cloud the issue which at time can make them seem cold but if you listen very literally to what they say, they only ever want to help.

Those driven to Avoid the Instinctive Drive to Authenticate™:

Have impeccable timing and sensitivity. Whilst often a strength they can delay decisions because of this if they think that it could negatively impact others. Also they need to focus on the outcome of the decision not the steps toward that outcome.
They respond very positively to leverage. So the most positive outcomes that can be derived from the decision the quicker this drive will say “yes”.
They need to be able to pursue their most idealistic ideas and values so decisions that align themselves to these are going to be made faster.

Those driven by the Instinctive Drive to Complete™:

Even if it takes a little longer as they work out all of the ramifications they can be very adept decision makers because they naturally anticipate all the possible outcomes and are prepared. They don’t like surprises!
They are seeking ways to maintain harmony and keep things on track so decisions that support those aims can and will be made quickly. They must remember to plan for flexibility (or how what they will do if the plans change) to keep themselves in stride.
They will respond well to a game plan, together with timings, process and budgets so they feel comfortable in the process.

Those driven to Avoid the Instinctive Drive to Complete™:

They are goal orientated so can be fast decision makers depending on the other drive combinations. However a decision is rarely final and is a moveable feast as and when new information arrives. This can be infuriating for others
They can get bored with things quickly so wandering around the suburbs for months on end looking at houses will be tedious. They are easily distracted by “new” ideas, opportunities and possibilities.
Tend to either make a decision quickly or not at all!

Those driven by the Instinctive Drive to Improvise™:

Their natural response to anything is “yes”. Often not really engaging with the ramifications and consequences until they are knee deep in the reality. .
They thrive when they are winging it but this can feel very unstable and short term if your not driven by the same drive.
They need to function with a sense of urgency, passion and excitement. When a decision takes a long time to get to they will appear disinterested. Keep them engaged by reminding them of the possibilities and the great things that the right decision will bring – in fact the only reason you continue to check and make sure is to ensure that the decisions brings the most fun options!

Those driven to Avoid the Instinctive Drive to Improvise™:

They are diligent, considered and measured and decision-making is no different. No stone will be left unturned before they make their choice.
Once the decision is made they will be reluctant to change it because they know the effort and investigation that went in to it. They will not commit until certain so once they have committed there need to be a VERY good reason before they will change their mind.
They can appear negative to those not driven by this drive because their natural talent is toward eliminating risk so they intuitively see all the risks as part of the buying decision.

There is a chapter dedicated to Money and wealth creation in the book Natural Born Success: Discover the Intuitive Drives that make you tick! which was released in March. In the financial chapter we discuss why people of different drives get into problems financially and what they can do to get out of it. The book also applied ID to other crucial areas of your personal life including

Career
Relationships
Health and wellbeing
Study
Parenting

By understanding our innate talents and vulnerabilities as defined by our ID we can ensure that we are more often in the right place, at the right time doing the right thing in order to ensure we are happy, healthy and successful. So if you don’t already have your copy - buy the book today! It offers you even more depth and detail about ID and how it plays out in all the really important areas of life.